I know I am going off topic. But recently, my dog, my loyal and best-friend past away, my dog Karob. She was a lil over 12yrs and got a cyst on her back. It is amazing what one can learn from from an animal. To me my dog, Karob, she was a spirit dog and I learned a lot from. She always put a smile on my face and many others. The other day I was watching a video, her other mama and there was a boy say 4yrs old, he was just standing there with this big smile. The thought came to me that no matter where my puppy is, she is making others smile.
There was a time when I hit walls and put my hands through windows. Yes, there was a part of me that held in all the anger. The last time I did, I was home alone with my two dogs. One of them Kasper, got very very scared, but Karob, she was scared but she stood and I looked in her eyes. She had so much love for me and in some why she spoke to me. I can not say what exactly happened. I know one thing that was the last day I ever hit a wall or anything again. In her own why she let me know, I did not deserve to do that to myself. Times when I was sad she would be there licking my tears away.
Until Karob there was not a thing in this world I was close to or would allow in. I am so happy to have had my Karob in my life. I will not forget all of our great hikes, watching her dig for gophers and running across the green grass the one time I let her off her leash - that was our lil secret :) - and she ran and was smilin.
This may seem weird to some, but the lessons I learned from this one soul I will always carry with me and she will always be in my heart. I feel very lucky to have her last days with her and to have been with her and hold her as she left us.
Thank you my friend teaching me and for being my best-friend.
One day me and my friend will be out hiking again =)!!!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
MY DIAGNOSIS
I am hoping for those who did not understand what DID/MPD was, I have explained it enough. I have covered some of the abuse I went through as a child and some that carried on till adult (I will write on this later).
As a teenager I was in some therapy and at 14yrs, I was institutionalized for 2 1/2yrs. During this time I had counselors and therapist tell me I was a hopeless case, I would never get better, I was to complicated, I would be dead by the time I was 20, but for by 30yrs. If I got upset, they would just give me meds and put me into restraints. Because they would be afraid of what I might do. I admitt, I had a lot of problems as a teenager, but saying these things to a kid leave them feeling like there's no hope for them.
It was not until my early 20's that I actually started therapy. I went because I thought and feared that one day I would be crazy. That I would end up like those you see talking to the air on the streets, I felt like I was loosing my mind and somewhere inside me I wanted help. When I went, they ask a lot of questions. I was asked about racing thoughts - yes, am I suicidal - yes, Do you hear voices - yes and I would try and explain to them, that the voices come from inside my head, not the outside. They did not listen and diagnosed me as psychofrenic. They put me on the highest doses of meds and anti-psychotics. I would tell them it was not working and they would give me more meds. This lasted for about 10 - 15 yrs. My mind raced so fast, that I could not keep up with the thoughts. The only way I can explain it, that it was like standing on the side of the freeway and trying to count all the cars as they went by. Or it was like having 100 radios on full blast playing at once in my head and the meds were not helping. I was full of anxiety, hardly slept, I could not think or grab on to a thought because of the racing thoughts. I hated being in my own skin, I blamed myself for the things I was made to do and see, I felt hopeless and was in a very dark place. Along with the meds they had me on, during a hospital stay, they decided to give me ECT (Electric Shock therapy) needless to say, it did not work and I refused to ever do them again.
In therapy my mind was so much in knots, I would just sit there. I did not know how to talk, I did not know where to began. I was going in and out of mental hospitals. I was having large time slots - hours to days - of not knowing what happened and for most of that time I was very suicidal.
Then, I would say around 35, I was in couples therapy. I spoke with the therapist by myself and started explaining what was going on. It was at this time I ask her, what do they mean when they ask - do you hear voices. She asked me if I could here the voices talking on the other side of the door, I said yes. I started to let her know, that's is not what I hear. I told her they are in my head, I don't hear voices from outside my head. I also told her of a experience I had. I was sitting on a bench and I could see myself across the street. She asked if I had times I did not remember or if I ended up in places and did not know how I had gotten there. My response was yes. I can remember her explaining to me that she thought I could be dissociating and gave me a list of therapist that dealt with dissociation.
So the calling began and I went to see the only female on the list. I had found a therapist that I really connected with and this is when I found out my correct diagnosis. She let me know I was not psychofrenic, but I had multiple personalities. I knew this was right, by how she explained it and I knew I was not alone inside. At the same time, this took along time to except. I think it was more of excepting that it meant that yes I had gone through a lot of terrible stuff. During my therapy it came out that I had quite a few parts, when I started I had 250 parts to me. I had females, males and kids of all ages living with me. So living on a daily basis was truly unbearable. I had flashbacks on a daily basis of things that had happened and nightmares. The nightmares were so bad that I would not sleep and I different parts would come out and take over to keep me up. I was changing like a revolving door. I was dissociating so severely that my body was literally numb. I had headaches (they are like or feel like migraines), I learned that when I would change personalities I would get the sever headaches and I would get very cold. At this time they had me on at least 10 different meds. I was very lucky to have found a therapist that was very patient and had experience with dealing with DID/MPD, she saved my life.
In 2000 I moved here to Utah and it was the best move I could have ever done. I forgot to mention I am from California. When I moved out here I had to find a therapist. It took awhile and I had been in and out of the mental hospital here. The first therapist I had did not work out, I will add that when I started to see her I had around 85 stitches (I will be blogging about self-harm), a lot of my scars were done to me and because of years of abuse, I learned to harm myself. So, I was looking for a therapist again. It took a couple months but I had then found a therapist that would help me through my healing. I want to add that at this time my last count I was on 15 different mind meds. Seroquel 1200mg, Klonopin 4mg a day, Adderall 45mg - 4 times a day, Topamax, Abilify, this is just a few of the ones they had me on.
I have come to accept my diagnosis, it is this that has kept me alive and has helped me survive until I learned how to live. It has been along journey through a lot of pain, but through working through it and acknowledging the feelings it has gotten much easier and alot happier!!!
As a teenager I was in some therapy and at 14yrs, I was institutionalized for 2 1/2yrs. During this time I had counselors and therapist tell me I was a hopeless case, I would never get better, I was to complicated, I would be dead by the time I was 20, but for by 30yrs. If I got upset, they would just give me meds and put me into restraints. Because they would be afraid of what I might do. I admitt, I had a lot of problems as a teenager, but saying these things to a kid leave them feeling like there's no hope for them.
It was not until my early 20's that I actually started therapy. I went because I thought and feared that one day I would be crazy. That I would end up like those you see talking to the air on the streets, I felt like I was loosing my mind and somewhere inside me I wanted help. When I went, they ask a lot of questions. I was asked about racing thoughts - yes, am I suicidal - yes, Do you hear voices - yes and I would try and explain to them, that the voices come from inside my head, not the outside. They did not listen and diagnosed me as psychofrenic. They put me on the highest doses of meds and anti-psychotics. I would tell them it was not working and they would give me more meds. This lasted for about 10 - 15 yrs. My mind raced so fast, that I could not keep up with the thoughts. The only way I can explain it, that it was like standing on the side of the freeway and trying to count all the cars as they went by. Or it was like having 100 radios on full blast playing at once in my head and the meds were not helping. I was full of anxiety, hardly slept, I could not think or grab on to a thought because of the racing thoughts. I hated being in my own skin, I blamed myself for the things I was made to do and see, I felt hopeless and was in a very dark place. Along with the meds they had me on, during a hospital stay, they decided to give me ECT (Electric Shock therapy) needless to say, it did not work and I refused to ever do them again.
In therapy my mind was so much in knots, I would just sit there. I did not know how to talk, I did not know where to began. I was going in and out of mental hospitals. I was having large time slots - hours to days - of not knowing what happened and for most of that time I was very suicidal.
Then, I would say around 35, I was in couples therapy. I spoke with the therapist by myself and started explaining what was going on. It was at this time I ask her, what do they mean when they ask - do you hear voices. She asked me if I could here the voices talking on the other side of the door, I said yes. I started to let her know, that's is not what I hear. I told her they are in my head, I don't hear voices from outside my head. I also told her of a experience I had. I was sitting on a bench and I could see myself across the street. She asked if I had times I did not remember or if I ended up in places and did not know how I had gotten there. My response was yes. I can remember her explaining to me that she thought I could be dissociating and gave me a list of therapist that dealt with dissociation.
So the calling began and I went to see the only female on the list. I had found a therapist that I really connected with and this is when I found out my correct diagnosis. She let me know I was not psychofrenic, but I had multiple personalities. I knew this was right, by how she explained it and I knew I was not alone inside. At the same time, this took along time to except. I think it was more of excepting that it meant that yes I had gone through a lot of terrible stuff. During my therapy it came out that I had quite a few parts, when I started I had 250 parts to me. I had females, males and kids of all ages living with me. So living on a daily basis was truly unbearable. I had flashbacks on a daily basis of things that had happened and nightmares. The nightmares were so bad that I would not sleep and I different parts would come out and take over to keep me up. I was changing like a revolving door. I was dissociating so severely that my body was literally numb. I had headaches (they are like or feel like migraines), I learned that when I would change personalities I would get the sever headaches and I would get very cold. At this time they had me on at least 10 different meds. I was very lucky to have found a therapist that was very patient and had experience with dealing with DID/MPD, she saved my life.
In 2000 I moved here to Utah and it was the best move I could have ever done. I forgot to mention I am from California. When I moved out here I had to find a therapist. It took awhile and I had been in and out of the mental hospital here. The first therapist I had did not work out, I will add that when I started to see her I had around 85 stitches (I will be blogging about self-harm), a lot of my scars were done to me and because of years of abuse, I learned to harm myself. So, I was looking for a therapist again. It took a couple months but I had then found a therapist that would help me through my healing. I want to add that at this time my last count I was on 15 different mind meds. Seroquel 1200mg, Klonopin 4mg a day, Adderall 45mg - 4 times a day, Topamax, Abilify, this is just a few of the ones they had me on.
I have come to accept my diagnosis, it is this that has kept me alive and has helped me survive until I learned how to live. It has been along journey through a lot of pain, but through working through it and acknowledging the feelings it has gotten much easier and alot happier!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
DID/MPD – Special People With a Special Message
I ran across and thought I would share. I will include Keeper Korner's email at the end, for those looking for more information.
Hi, I’m John, the significant other for keepers, husband to some, friend and confidante to others, pal and buddy to still others. The following is an article I wrote for Many Voices, a newsletter for multiples and others recovering from trauma. I hope it is of benefit to you or at least enlightening as to what they go through.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, in plain words is that a trauma occurs to an individual and in order to handle the trauma they dissociate or separate so that one segment of their being has this traumatic memory leaving the rest of the being free of it’s memory.
Multiple Personality Disorder, the “old” label for what is now called DID, same thing, trauma occurrences create split offs of one’s being to handle the situation and the memory of traumas.
Over the course of repetitive traumas some people’s minds, in order to survive this onslaught of abusive practices, creates a split off section of their psyche to handle each type of trauma, or situation. This is not a conscious effort, it is the mind creating a means of survival for itself.
To you the reader this probably means nothing, except crazy, while it is anything but. It is a means of survival that one can only marvel at, because a human mind has subdivided itself to handle certain memories, certain situations, to cope with an abusive environment, to survive, to live another day, to make it through another night.
What is trauma that can create such a demand on one’s psyche? Just imagine the worst possible, unspeakable behaviors one can impose on another, and multiply it over and over. These atrocities are not being done to an adult but to a child, a toddler, a baby, and the mind tries to save them in the only and possibly best way possible.
Now, assume that this baby, toddler, child survives this lifestyle, and somehow, someway has what many people would consider a normal life from some point forward, and become adults, and the adult psyche has more or less assumed control of their day to day life, what is it like for them? To the casual observer they are normal, but to anyone who is allowed to get close and personal, it soon becomes obvious that their life is not normal, that they have symptoms that are unique.
At times their voice sounds different, as though a younger or older version of them is speaking, at times their choice of words or use of vocabulary is perhaps limited or expanded, maybe cursing is suddenly present and it has never been before. Dressing styles can be as varied as one can imagine, one time wearing a low cut blouse that offers a rather daring decollatage and yet tomorrow or 3 weeks later be attired as though she had dressed to head out to 4th grade at the local parish school!
These are but a sampling of clues and or signs that one is DID/MPD. “So what?” you say, “this means nothing to me, everyone does stuff like that to some degree.” That is true, to a degree. We each react to outside stimuli in our own way, it may remind us of something unpleasant from our childhood, we may find our stomach getting queasy or tears welling in our eyes for no apparent reason or even anger, but to imagine what it is like for a person with DID/MPD, take it to the next level, hear your voice change to the way you talked and sounded when it originally occurred, let your behavior or response be the same, for each of you it will possibly be different, perhaps crying, whining, sobbing or, — silence. You may go limp or you may stiffen up, you may kick and fuss or try to run away. Maybe you will turn your head and try to close your eyes so it cannot be seen.
Finally, remove yourself from the present day, from the present situation and let yourself be transported through time back to when that stimuli first occurred or the second time or the third time, let yourself be that little boy or little girl, once again, so now you are not watching someone on a parking lot severely spank their crying child in full view of you, you are that child once again, you are feeling that same spanking again, the one you received when you were “so bad” or you were called a “little bastard/bitch” or — well, hopefully you get the idea. You are NOT remembering it so much as you are reliving it, it is so real. Then, you are not there, no beating, no name calling, you are not even on the parking lot, you are home. You don’t even remember getting home or driving home, you have a lapse in time you cannot account for. This is common for those with DID/MPD, lapses in memory, because for the most part, each segment does not know what other segments have done, or are doing, while they are the outside segment or personality. For the most part they do not share memories, they can in some ways watch what is going on but when they have gone into abreaction only one can see or do, and what they are experiencing is the reliving of a past trauma, incident, etc. that is an abreaction, reliving past trauma.
Seeing that child get a spanking could trigger an abreaction in someone with DID/MPD, triggers come in many different sizes, shapes, or sounds. From something as subtle as a tone in someone’s voice to something as obvious as a scene in a movie or television program, an abreaction can be triggered. Sometimes they stay beneath the surface, and by that I mean that the segment or personality that is reliving it has remained inward, which for the exterior personality means a feeling of nervousness or agitation or dread for no apparent reason to them. The opposite extreme is that the abreaction comes outside along with the personality who originally lived through it, only now they must relive it again, feeling every feeling every emotion every pain every infliction. It is pure terror and hell to relive such events. Once moved outward their surroundings change in their eyes. They are no longer here now, they are there then. You, their husband, wife, significant other, friend, acquaintance or even passerby become in their eyes, their attacker, their neighbor who did nothing, their brother or sister who was hiding from the whole mess, you are not you, you are one of them. You may be beseeched to help, screamed at for hurting them, you may be attacked when you grab their arms or hands to stop them from whatever they are hitting, you may be the sudden recipient of a small child only seeking arms to enfold them and protect them from whatever the danger is or to hold and comfort them, to soothe them and tell them they are safe now. Just as suddenly they may melt inward taking with them their agony only to be replaced by the one you know as your wife or husband or sister or friend or patient. Then they look at you and even without speaking they know something happened, they have the memory gap to prove it and depending on your relationship to them and with them, they may ask what happened, they may act as though nothing happened or just look at you as though to say “now what?”
“Okay.” you ask, “so someone has this DID/MPD, how many segments, personalities, whatever you call them are there? Two? Five? Twelve? Sixty? How many?” To that I can only say, there is no set number because it is dependent on the events that molded them, the frequency, the number of abusers, the situation, there are so many things that contribute to it. I’ve heard from three to one or two hundred, which is obviously the extreme high end of this range. People in that unusually high count have been subjected to trauma from birth or soon after birth for many, many years, probably well into teen or even late teen to early twenties. People in this range has been severely traumatized, they have been seriously fragmented over and over again, to the point of having personalities that handle very small minute situations that perhaps have not occurred for 20, 30 or 40 years, but at some point in their life, they were needed to handle some specific abuse or situation. Since then, they may be in a dormant stage, sleeping inside until something triggers that abreaction that brings them back to life, to take the body and the others through the reliving until it is over and they can then go inward and sleep again.
Meanwhile there are probably many who are in a co-existence inside, ones who come out on a relatively regular basis, at least when compared to others who seldom are now needed to come out. These, more regular or more used personalities, tend to see some of the others, to know some of the others, it is like they have their own family trees within the body. This branch has youngsters up to teens and they all have sexual situations in common while this branch has babies and toddlers who have a neediness for love and comfort since they received none and this branch dealt with an uncle or this branch dealt with going to school and this branch was in social situations with aunts and uncles and grandparents and this branch deals with emotional coldness and this one with beatings and there are both sexes in these branches, the physical body has both sexes within, so there are boys and girls, the majority being the same sex as the outer body.
Obviously this can bring along some confusion as well as frustration when someone who feels sexy and passionate comes out to entertain herself and her lover only to find herself in bright blue high top tennis shoes, a pair of denim overalls, a striped tshirt and a baseball cap with her hair tucked up underneath it!
There are many words to describe these multiple personalities, such as personalities, alters, insiders, littles, and keepers, some are scientific while others have been created and perhaps chosen by others also, for use by those with DID/MPD. I am sure there are other words used but these come to mind to me right now.
The scientific community cannot seem to agree on whether or not this actually exists, this DID/MPD, but believe me, once you have known someone with it, you are 100% sure yourself. When the initial diagnosis was made in regards to “my wife” I can honestly say that my first reaction was, “now it all makes sense”.
A lot of experiences we had shared made more sense, a lot of what she had told me made more sense, a lot of what was yet to occur, fell into place, in retrospect at least.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, in plain words is that a trauma occurs to an individual and in order to handle the trauma they dissociate or separate so that one segment of their being has this traumatic memory leaving the rest of the being free of it’s memory.
Multiple Personality Disorder, the “old” label for what is now called DID, same thing, trauma occurrences create split offs of one’s being to handle the situation and the memory of traumas.
Over the course of repetitive traumas some people’s minds, in order to survive this onslaught of abusive practices, creates a split off section of their psyche to handle each type of trauma, or situation. This is not a conscious effort, it is the mind creating a means of survival for itself.
To you the reader this probably means nothing, except crazy, while it is anything but. It is a means of survival that one can only marvel at, because a human mind has subdivided itself to handle certain memories, certain situations, to cope with an abusive environment, to survive, to live another day, to make it through another night.
What is trauma that can create such a demand on one’s psyche? Just imagine the worst possible, unspeakable behaviors one can impose on another, and multiply it over and over. These atrocities are not being done to an adult but to a child, a toddler, a baby, and the mind tries to save them in the only and possibly best way possible.
Now, assume that this baby, toddler, child survives this lifestyle, and somehow, someway has what many people would consider a normal life from some point forward, and become adults, and the adult psyche has more or less assumed control of their day to day life, what is it like for them? To the casual observer they are normal, but to anyone who is allowed to get close and personal, it soon becomes obvious that their life is not normal, that they have symptoms that are unique.
At times their voice sounds different, as though a younger or older version of them is speaking, at times their choice of words or use of vocabulary is perhaps limited or expanded, maybe cursing is suddenly present and it has never been before. Dressing styles can be as varied as one can imagine, one time wearing a low cut blouse that offers a rather daring decollatage and yet tomorrow or 3 weeks later be attired as though she had dressed to head out to 4th grade at the local parish school!
These are but a sampling of clues and or signs that one is DID/MPD. “So what?” you say, “this means nothing to me, everyone does stuff like that to some degree.” That is true, to a degree. We each react to outside stimuli in our own way, it may remind us of something unpleasant from our childhood, we may find our stomach getting queasy or tears welling in our eyes for no apparent reason or even anger, but to imagine what it is like for a person with DID/MPD, take it to the next level, hear your voice change to the way you talked and sounded when it originally occurred, let your behavior or response be the same, for each of you it will possibly be different, perhaps crying, whining, sobbing or, — silence. You may go limp or you may stiffen up, you may kick and fuss or try to run away. Maybe you will turn your head and try to close your eyes so it cannot be seen.
Finally, remove yourself from the present day, from the present situation and let yourself be transported through time back to when that stimuli first occurred or the second time or the third time, let yourself be that little boy or little girl, once again, so now you are not watching someone on a parking lot severely spank their crying child in full view of you, you are that child once again, you are feeling that same spanking again, the one you received when you were “so bad” or you were called a “little bastard/bitch” or — well, hopefully you get the idea. You are NOT remembering it so much as you are reliving it, it is so real. Then, you are not there, no beating, no name calling, you are not even on the parking lot, you are home. You don’t even remember getting home or driving home, you have a lapse in time you cannot account for. This is common for those with DID/MPD, lapses in memory, because for the most part, each segment does not know what other segments have done, or are doing, while they are the outside segment or personality. For the most part they do not share memories, they can in some ways watch what is going on but when they have gone into abreaction only one can see or do, and what they are experiencing is the reliving of a past trauma, incident, etc. that is an abreaction, reliving past trauma.
Seeing that child get a spanking could trigger an abreaction in someone with DID/MPD, triggers come in many different sizes, shapes, or sounds. From something as subtle as a tone in someone’s voice to something as obvious as a scene in a movie or television program, an abreaction can be triggered. Sometimes they stay beneath the surface, and by that I mean that the segment or personality that is reliving it has remained inward, which for the exterior personality means a feeling of nervousness or agitation or dread for no apparent reason to them. The opposite extreme is that the abreaction comes outside along with the personality who originally lived through it, only now they must relive it again, feeling every feeling every emotion every pain every infliction. It is pure terror and hell to relive such events. Once moved outward their surroundings change in their eyes. They are no longer here now, they are there then. You, their husband, wife, significant other, friend, acquaintance or even passerby become in their eyes, their attacker, their neighbor who did nothing, their brother or sister who was hiding from the whole mess, you are not you, you are one of them. You may be beseeched to help, screamed at for hurting them, you may be attacked when you grab their arms or hands to stop them from whatever they are hitting, you may be the sudden recipient of a small child only seeking arms to enfold them and protect them from whatever the danger is or to hold and comfort them, to soothe them and tell them they are safe now. Just as suddenly they may melt inward taking with them their agony only to be replaced by the one you know as your wife or husband or sister or friend or patient. Then they look at you and even without speaking they know something happened, they have the memory gap to prove it and depending on your relationship to them and with them, they may ask what happened, they may act as though nothing happened or just look at you as though to say “now what?”
“Okay.” you ask, “so someone has this DID/MPD, how many segments, personalities, whatever you call them are there? Two? Five? Twelve? Sixty? How many?” To that I can only say, there is no set number because it is dependent on the events that molded them, the frequency, the number of abusers, the situation, there are so many things that contribute to it. I’ve heard from three to one or two hundred, which is obviously the extreme high end of this range. People in that unusually high count have been subjected to trauma from birth or soon after birth for many, many years, probably well into teen or even late teen to early twenties. People in this range has been severely traumatized, they have been seriously fragmented over and over again, to the point of having personalities that handle very small minute situations that perhaps have not occurred for 20, 30 or 40 years, but at some point in their life, they were needed to handle some specific abuse or situation. Since then, they may be in a dormant stage, sleeping inside until something triggers that abreaction that brings them back to life, to take the body and the others through the reliving until it is over and they can then go inward and sleep again.
Meanwhile there are probably many who are in a co-existence inside, ones who come out on a relatively regular basis, at least when compared to others who seldom are now needed to come out. These, more regular or more used personalities, tend to see some of the others, to know some of the others, it is like they have their own family trees within the body. This branch has youngsters up to teens and they all have sexual situations in common while this branch has babies and toddlers who have a neediness for love and comfort since they received none and this branch dealt with an uncle or this branch dealt with going to school and this branch was in social situations with aunts and uncles and grandparents and this branch deals with emotional coldness and this one with beatings and there are both sexes in these branches, the physical body has both sexes within, so there are boys and girls, the majority being the same sex as the outer body.
Obviously this can bring along some confusion as well as frustration when someone who feels sexy and passionate comes out to entertain herself and her lover only to find herself in bright blue high top tennis shoes, a pair of denim overalls, a striped tshirt and a baseball cap with her hair tucked up underneath it!
There are many words to describe these multiple personalities, such as personalities, alters, insiders, littles, and keepers, some are scientific while others have been created and perhaps chosen by others also, for use by those with DID/MPD. I am sure there are other words used but these come to mind to me right now.
The scientific community cannot seem to agree on whether or not this actually exists, this DID/MPD, but believe me, once you have known someone with it, you are 100% sure yourself. When the initial diagnosis was made in regards to “my wife” I can honestly say that my first reaction was, “now it all makes sense”.
A lot of experiences we had shared made more sense, a lot of what she had told me made more sense, a lot of what was yet to occur, fell into place, in retrospect at least.
I referred to her as “my wife” in quotes because even though I married her, all were not present to agree, many I had not met, and obviously I was not into marrying children. There are keepers to whom I am married, there are some I am the significant other to, there others I am friends to, buddies with, pals, big brother, confidante, best friends and best buds, and for some, a first love.
http://keeperskorner.wordpress.com/site-directory/didmpd-articles/didmpd-%E2%80%93-special-people-with-a-special-message/Thank you John for sharing!
Monday, September 20, 2010
MY HISTORY
I thought, I would tell you a little about my background, were I come from. It's a little funny, when I start with a new therapist and they want to hear how many siblings, your mom and your dad (which I prefer to call both of them my birth genes). Well, when I start explaining, they stop me and need to make what they call a map. It's rather funny :) I know everyone has a mom and a dad (which again my birth genes) being called mom/dad is a privilege that they do not deserve at any level. To this day I do not talk to my family (except my sisters) what so ever. I can truly say I have raised myself and you know what? I did a damn good job :D. From as young as I can remember my mom (I will use this so you know who I am talking about) didn't take care of me whatsoever. I would go across the street to eat. I ate dog food and pomegranates while my mom would feed my sisters. I come from a very violent background. My moms 3rd husband would literally beat her. I would be in the house and you know kids, they always try to protect the mother and that's exactly what I did. Yes, there were many times I would get hit and there were times he would tie me up in a chair cover my eyes and tie my hands to the chair to keep me out of the way. it happen quiet often. I was also sexually abused by my mother and others (male) in my family. I wet the bed till I was around 9 she never changed it, I slept with a big hole in my bed, from it eating the mattress. At age 7, my mom explains to us, my two sisters and I that if we are upset and want to take a walk, it's ok to go, you do not have to wake anyone. Not to mention we were at some strange guy's floor, This was in 1971, that's when we had a 7.1 or 7.4 (not to sure, it was in there) big earthquake. Well, it was 2 days later, I woke up and the door was open and she was gone. That was 39yrs ago and I have not seen her (well I believe I did run into her, she hurried and left) I remember I didn't know what to think. So the guy we were staying with he got up, didn't ask anything, he had us get dressed and took us over our grandparents house. At that time, I found out that the guy I thought was my dad, use not. So I was very lost at a young age.
I know there is a lot of you who know me, you might be wondering about my scars. This is were I could trigger someone, so I am going to try and be very careful. If there are questions and I welcome them, but please email me , please do not trigger someone, thanx. I have years of ritual abuse in my background. As early as I can remember till around 7, when my mom left. I would spend time home, but there was a lot of time spent locked by myself in a cave on the beach. Until just recently I hated hated the beach and any body of water. They would also cut and burn me, ( I will be also writing on self harm) I watched people die and they would make me help. They made me do very ugly bad things and they did things to me. Things that I now know I chose not to talk about. This went on for a very long time. Anyone reading this that has gone through something similar it is not your fault, this is not who you are. They get into your psyche, they brain wash you and you are a child, it started before I was one. So, think about this, If you see a 2, 4, 7 yr old would you look at that two year old and hate him for what he/she did or would you be understanding and think it's the adults fault, they are the ones to blame. It's the same with you and I, it was not our fault and we did what we had to, what I/we/you were made to do. I/we/you had no choice if we wanted to live. Now and this is something I had to learn and it took yrs of therapy and growth. I/we/you are not that person, we are here and we survived.
After my mom left, I stayed with my grandparents at this time I was being abused by my grandpa, I lived here for a couple months. Then I moved in with my aunt and uncle (my moms younger sister) This to was a very physically abuse situation. Then at 14yrs old I tried to kill myself many times and was locked up for 2 1/2yrs. In juvenile hall and in a program for teenagers. It was at this time that I started on meds. At age (around) 25 they started me on antipsychoticsys, meds for someone who is psychophrenic (I will be writing more on this later on). I know there is a part inside me that has kept me going, that is a survivor and I am happy to have that part with me. At 17yrs old I had a lil girl and had a few abusive relationships and yes it was a lesbian relationship. Spent many days in the hospital and now I am sharing with you my story. NEVER in a thousand years did I EVER expect to be writing this. 6yrs ago if someone asked me what do you see yourself doing in a year. I would have no answer, I hated that question. Now I look forward to today and to tomorrow. I know if I can get through that dark dark tunnel and come out the other side so can you. I have hope, faith and much respect for the ones that have survived and know you can be happy.
I know there is a lot of you who know me, you might be wondering about my scars. This is were I could trigger someone, so I am going to try and be very careful. If there are questions and I welcome them, but please email me , please do not trigger someone, thanx. I have years of ritual abuse in my background. As early as I can remember till around 7, when my mom left. I would spend time home, but there was a lot of time spent locked by myself in a cave on the beach. Until just recently I hated hated the beach and any body of water. They would also cut and burn me, ( I will be also writing on self harm) I watched people die and they would make me help. They made me do very ugly bad things and they did things to me. Things that I now know I chose not to talk about. This went on for a very long time. Anyone reading this that has gone through something similar it is not your fault, this is not who you are. They get into your psyche, they brain wash you and you are a child, it started before I was one. So, think about this, If you see a 2, 4, 7 yr old would you look at that two year old and hate him for what he/she did or would you be understanding and think it's the adults fault, they are the ones to blame. It's the same with you and I, it was not our fault and we did what we had to, what I/we/you were made to do. I/we/you had no choice if we wanted to live. Now and this is something I had to learn and it took yrs of therapy and growth. I/we/you are not that person, we are here and we survived.
After my mom left, I stayed with my grandparents at this time I was being abused by my grandpa, I lived here for a couple months. Then I moved in with my aunt and uncle (my moms younger sister) This to was a very physically abuse situation. Then at 14yrs old I tried to kill myself many times and was locked up for 2 1/2yrs. In juvenile hall and in a program for teenagers. It was at this time that I started on meds. At age (around) 25 they started me on antipsychoticsys, meds for someone who is psychophrenic (I will be writing more on this later on). I know there is a part inside me that has kept me going, that is a survivor and I am happy to have that part with me. At 17yrs old I had a lil girl and had a few abusive relationships and yes it was a lesbian relationship. Spent many days in the hospital and now I am sharing with you my story. NEVER in a thousand years did I EVER expect to be writing this. 6yrs ago if someone asked me what do you see yourself doing in a year. I would have no answer, I hated that question. Now I look forward to today and to tomorrow. I know if I can get through that dark dark tunnel and come out the other side so can you. I have hope, faith and much respect for the ones that have survived and know you can be happy.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
MY INTRODUCTION
Hi my name is Rhonda and I am 46. This is my story, a story of healing and living with DID/MPD. The reason for writing this, is hopefully it will reach many. Some who my be living with DID/MPD and for those who maybe wondering if things do get better. I am here to say YES and if this helps one person, if it gives one person hope it has been well worth it and maybe it will help some understand. To be completely honest, it is a lil scary opening myself up and letting you know who Rhonda is. I first was going to write a book. But then thought, I am not in this for the money and I thought, there will be those who cannot afford to go out and buy a book. So, I am trying to make this easily accessible to everyone. There are misconceptions and some who do not believe that this diagnosis exists DID/MPD. I am here to say YES it does. I live with it everyday. To say it does not exist, is to say I do not exist. I had a very hard time accepting this, which I will be writing about later on. But, I now know that this has kept me alive and honestly I am glad for this, because I would not be here!
For those that do not know what DID/MPD is, I will explain now.
First the Wikipedia:
Dissociative identity disorder DID)/Multiple personality disorder (MPD) is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individuals behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be the temporary effects of drug use or a general medical condition.
My explanation:
There is a spectrum of dissociation. I am sure we have all experienced this. You are driving and before you know it you have passed your street without even realizing it. You have dissociated at some level. Well, for people like myself, the dissociation is more severe, you totally detach to the point where a whole personality has taken over, it is like another person takes over. I will be explaining this more during my blog. It is also known that people with DID/MPD, there was severe abuse and it is being understood that the abuse starts at a very young age (under 3) and not always but in most cases the abuse is ongoing. This does make sense. This is when the brain is developing, so what happens is at that young age, the mind cannot take the abuse. So, the mind breaks off and a personality or personalities are formed to take the abuse. People can have from 2 to 200 or more personalities, each one having there own roles. The mind is a very creative thing and has a great survival trait.
In this blog, I will be talking about my experiences in accepting, therapy, medicine and how I healed. I will not be get into my trauma to much. For this could trigger some who maybe reading my story. My life is NOT about the trauma but about HEALING it is about how I SURVIVED and how I worked through things and learned who Rhonda is and became HAPPY and yes HEALTHY!!!.
For those who have know me and have known me through this, I thank you for your support and your help in my journey in healing. I appreciate and luv you all :) I could not of done this without you!
I welcome comments and questions. If your comment/question is on a more personal level feel free to email me at nakedfootkasper@gmail.com
If you or you know someone who is struggling please feel free to share this.
This is my healing story!
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