MY DIAGNOSIS

I am hoping for those who did not understand what DID/MPD was, I have explained it enough.  I have covered some of the abuse I went through as a child and some that carried on till adult (I will write on this later).

 As a teenager I was in some therapy and at 14yrs,  I was institutionalized for 2 1/2yrs. During this time I had counselors and therapist tell me I was a hopeless case, I would never get better,  I was to complicated, I would be dead by the time I was 20,  but for by 30yrs.  If I got upset, they would just give me meds and put me into restraints.  Because they would be afraid of what I might do. I admitt, I had a lot of problems as a teenager, but saying these things to a kid leave them feeling like there's no hope for them.

  It was not until my early 20's that I actually started therapy.  I went because I thought and feared that one day I would be crazy.  That I would end up like those you see talking to the air on the streets, I felt like I was loosing my mind and somewhere inside me I wanted help.  When I went, they ask a lot of questions.  I was asked about racing thoughts - yes,  am I suicidal - yes, Do you hear voices - yes and I would try and explain to them, that the voices come from inside my head, not the outside.  They did not listen and diagnosed me as psychofrenic.  They put me on the highest doses of meds and anti-psychotics.  I would tell them it was not working and they would give me more meds.  This lasted for about 10 - 15 yrs.  My mind raced so fast, that I could not keep up with the thoughts.  The only way I can explain it, that it was like standing on the side of the freeway and trying to count all the cars as they went by.  Or it was like having 100 radios on full blast playing at once in my head and the meds were not helping.  I was full of anxiety, hardly slept, I could not think or grab on to a thought because of the racing thoughts.  I hated being in my own skin, I blamed myself for the things I was made to do and see, I felt hopeless and was in a very dark place. Along with the  meds they had me on, during a hospital stay, they decided to give me ECT (Electric Shock therapy) needless to say, it did not work and I refused to ever do them again.

 In therapy my mind was so much in knots, I would just sit there.  I did not know how  to talk, I did not know where to began. I was going in and out of  mental hospitals. I was having large time slots - hours to days - of not knowing what happened and for most of that time I was very suicidal.

Then, I would say around 35, I was in couples therapy. I spoke with the therapist by myself and started explaining what was going on. It was at this time I ask her, what do they mean when they ask - do you hear voices.  She asked me if I could here the voices talking on the other side of the door, I said yes.  I started to let her know, that's is not what I hear. I told her they are in my head, I don't hear voices from outside my head. I also told her of a experience I had. I was sitting on a bench and I could see myself across the street. She asked if I had times I did not remember or if I ended up in places and did not know how I had gotten there. My response was yes. I can remember her explaining to me that she thought I could be dissociating and gave me a list of therapist that dealt with dissociation.

So the calling began and I went to see the only female on the list.  I had found a therapist that I really connected with and this is when I found out my correct diagnosis.  She let me know I was not psychofrenic, but I had multiple personalities.  I knew this was right, by how she explained it and I knew I was not alone inside.  At the same time, this took along time to except.  I think it was more of excepting that it meant that yes I had gone through a lot of terrible stuff. During my therapy it came out that I had quite a few parts, when I started I had 250 parts to me. I had females, males and kids of all ages living with me.  So living on a daily basis was truly unbearable.  I had flashbacks on a daily basis of things that had happened and nightmares. The nightmares were so bad that I would not sleep and I different parts would come out and take over to keep me up. I was changing like a revolving door. I was dissociating so severely that my body was literally numb. I had headaches (they are like or feel like migraines), I learned that when I would change personalities I would get the sever headaches and I would get very cold. At this time they had me on at least 10 different meds. I was very lucky to have found a therapist that was very patient and had experience with dealing with DID/MPD, she saved my life.

In 2000 I moved here to Utah and it was the best move I could have ever done. I forgot to mention I am from California.  When I moved out here I had to find a therapist. It took awhile and I had been in and out of the mental hospital here.  The first therapist I had did not work out, I will add that when I started to see her I had around 85 stitches (I will be blogging about self-harm), a lot of my scars were done to me and because of years of abuse, I learned to harm myself.  So, I was looking for a therapist again.  It took a couple months but I had then found a therapist that would help me through my healing.  I want to add that at this time my last count I was on 15 different mind meds. Seroquel 1200mg, Klonopin 4mg a day, Adderall 45mg - 4 times a day, Topamax, Abilify, this is just a few of the ones they had me on.

I have come to accept my diagnosis, it is this that has kept me alive and has helped me survive until I learned how to live.  It has been along journey through a lot of pain, but through working through it and acknowledging the feelings it has gotten much easier and alot happier!!!