MY HISTORY

I thought, I would tell you a little about my background, were I come from. It's a little funny, when I start with a new therapist and they want to hear how many siblings, your mom and your dad (which I prefer to call both of them my birth genes).  Well, when I start explaining, they stop me and need to make what they call a map.  It's rather funny :)   I know everyone has a mom and a dad (which again my birth genes) being called mom/dad is a privilege that they do not deserve at any level.  To this day I do not talk to my family (except my sisters) what so ever.  I can truly say I have raised myself and you know what?  I did a damn good job :D.  From as young as I can remember my mom (I will use this so you know who I am talking about) didn't take care of me whatsoever.  I would go across the street to eat.  I ate dog food and pomegranates while my mom would feed my sisters.  I come from a very violent background.  My moms 3rd husband would literally beat her.  I would be in the house and you know kids, they always try to protect the mother and that's exactly what I did. Yes, there were many times I would get hit and there were times he would tie me up in a chair cover my eyes and tie my hands to the chair to keep me out of the way.  it happen quiet often.  I was also sexually abused by my mother and others (male) in my family.    I wet the bed till I was around 9 she never changed it, I slept with a big hole in my bed, from it eating the mattress.  At age 7, my mom explains to us, my two sisters and I  that if we are upset and want to take a walk, it's ok to go, you do not have to wake anyone.  Not to mention we were at some strange guy's floor, This was in 1971, that's when we had a 7.1 or 7.4 (not to sure, it was in there) big earthquake.  Well, it was 2 days later, I woke up and the door was open and she was gone. That was 39yrs ago and I have not seen her (well I believe I did run into her, she hurried and left)  I remember I didn't know what to think.  So the guy we were staying with he got up, didn't ask anything, he had us get dressed and took us over our grandparents house.  At that time, I found out that the guy I thought was my dad, use not.  So I was very lost at a young age.

I know there is a lot of you who know me, you might be wondering about my scars.  This is were I could trigger someone, so I am going to try and be very careful.  If there are questions and I welcome them, but please email me , please do not trigger someone,  thanx.  I have years of ritual abuse in my background.  As early as I can remember till around 7, when my mom left.  I would spend time home, but there was a lot of time spent locked by myself in a cave on the beach.  Until just recently I hated hated the beach and any body of water.  They would also cut and burn me, ( I will be also writing on self harm) I watched people die and they would make me help. They made me do very ugly bad things and they did things to me. Things that I now  know I chose not to talk about. This went on for a very long time.  Anyone reading this that has gone through something similar it is not your fault, this is not who you are. They get into your psyche,  they brain wash you and you are a child, it started before I was one.  So, think about this,  If you see a 2, 4, 7 yr old would you look at that two year old and hate him for what he/she did or would you be understanding and think it's the adults fault, they are the ones to blame.  It's the same with you and I, it was not our fault and  we did what we had to, what I/we/you were made to do.   I/we/you had no choice if we wanted to live. Now and this is something I had to learn and it took yrs of therapy and growth. I/we/you are not that person, we are here and we survived. 

After my mom left, I stayed with my grandparents at this time I was being abused by my grandpa, I lived here for a couple months. Then I moved in with my aunt and uncle (my moms younger sister)  This to was a  very physically abuse situation.  Then at 14yrs old I tried to kill myself many times and was locked up for 2 1/2yrs.  In juvenile hall and in a program for teenagers.  It was at this time that I started on meds.  At age (around) 25 they started me on antipsychoticsys, meds for someone who is psychophrenic (I will be writing more on this later on). I know there is a part inside me that has kept me going, that is a survivor and I am happy to have that part with me.  At 17yrs old I had a lil girl and had a few abusive relationships and yes it was a lesbian relationship.  Spent many days in the hospital and now I am sharing with you my story.  NEVER in a thousand years did I EVER expect to be writing this.  6yrs ago if someone asked me what do you see yourself doing in a year.  I would have no answer, I hated that question.  Now I look forward to today and to tomorrow.  I know if I can get through that dark dark tunnel and come out the other side so can you.  I have hope, faith and much respect for the ones that have survived and know you can be happy.